


i swear i lived

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner is Very Loved, Angst, Do Not Read The Last Two Paragraphs if You Don't Want to be Hurt, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Happy Aaron Hotchner, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Sexual Abuse, Look It Starts Off Cute, Memories, Team as Family, The BAU Love Aaron Hotchner, The BAU is a found family, it has a sad ending, please heed the archive warning, this has a sad ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: but he still doesn’t know where the team are and he can feel his heart start to beat faster and his breathing start to quick but he can’t afford for that to happen right now so he needs to calm down but he can’t because he’s placing so much pressure on himself to do it because it’s important but-the team.think of the team.when it’s dark, when he’s scared, when jack won’t stop screaming because he wants his mom and hotch just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, when strauss yells at him for screwing up, he thinks of the team and it’s like the world stops moving so quickly.they ground him.they remind him of who he is.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner & Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner & Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Aaron Hotchner & Penelope Garcia, Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team, Aaron Hotchner/Beth Clemmons (implied), Elle Greenaway & Aaron Hotchner, Jason Gideon & Aaron Hotchner
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	i swear i lived

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: major character death, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced child sexual abuse
> 
> i have not proofread it and it is purely self-indulgent so yeah not all of it make complete sense but it's been a long week and i needed to do something... fun? so now we're here 
> 
> also i kind hate how abrupt the ending is, but it's not working so we're going with it

It’s dark, and he can’t quite remember where he is, but he knows they’re on a case, somewhere in Florida which means it’s definitely worse than usual. Everything else is slightly fuzzy. He’s in a bed, he knows that much, but there’s nobody else around. The thought makes him panic. Why is nobody else here?

It must be late. That’s the only explanation for the darkness. And the only reason why he’s in a bed. But that doesn’t help him work out where everyone else is. He’s pretty sure Garcia said they’d be sharing rooms because she was travelling with them this time.

His t-shirt is stuck to him. He must have been having a nightmare. If he thinks hard enough, he can vaguely remember being hit with something, but the rest of it is a blur. If it was bad enough to wake him up, he’s glad he doesn’t remember it.

But he still doesn’t know where the team are and he can feel his heart start to beat faster and his breathing start to quick but he can’t afford for that to happen right now so he needs to calm down but he can’t because he’s placing so much pressure on himself to do it because it’s important but-

The team.

Think of the team.

When it’s dark, when he’s scared, when Jack won’t stop screaming because he wants his mom and Hotch just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, when Strauss yells at him for screwing up, he thinks of the team and it’s like the world stops moving so quickly. They ground him. They remind him of who he is.

And it’s incredibly sentimental, but then, he’s a sentimental person. He likes being nostalgic. He convinced Haley to keep a pirate hat because it was a memory of how they met and fell in love, and it reminds of him of how he would make her laugh. Jack took it in for show and tell.

The teacher had to excuse themselves to wipe away their tears.

He’s getting side-tracked. Thinking of Haley will make him tremble. He needs to breathe. He needs to think of the team.

Inhale for three.

There’s a blazer at the back of his wardrobe. He doesn’t wear it anymore. He would if he could, but he can’t. He holds onto it though. Because shortly after Jack was born, he got sick, like babies do. And Hotch was called in for some last-minute meeting with Strauss and a couple of the other higher-ups. Jack had been sick on his blazer, but he was in such a daze when it happened that it was only when he was rushing to his office did he notice.

Well, Elle noticed. She immediately took it off him and told him to just do his meeting without a blazer. He was a field agent; they couldn’t expect him to always look like the prosecutor he used to be.

She didn’t manage to get the stain out fully, and he can’t wear the blazer because of the extra damage she inflicted, but there was a small grin on her face when she revealed that it was slightly better. He granted her a smile as well. It was one of the few ones she received from him, and it made her feel like she really was part of the team.

They talk, Aaron and Elle. Twice a year. Just before the anniversaries of their attacks. She’s doing better away from the FBI. She has a daughter. Her name is Erin. 

Exhale for five.

He had never really watched films as a child. There was too much risk involved, and most of his childhood was spent hiding, so there was never really the chance to go out with his friends to the cinema.

By the time he was old enough, being in a dark room full of strangers caused him to panic more than he relaxed and now, every time he goes out somewhere public, he finds himself profiling every single person because he needs to know that everyone else will be safe.

After the Charlie Chaplin film, there was a noticeable shift in the team dynamic. Morgan seemed to trust Jason again. Emily seemed more comfortable sitting with the girls and gossiping. Reid no longer hid his sleeves as much.

Movie nights became a bit more of a regular occurrence after that. There were days where Hotch would need to leave early because he needed to see Haley, and there were times where Reid would claim that he had already made plans, but on the occasions were they were all present, Hotch never really paid attention to the film.  
He would be focused on the team. On how relaxed and happy they looked. Jason would smile at the screen, sighing when the film ended, pleased with all the loose threads being tied up and the characters finally receiving the happy endings they all deserved.

At the last movie night before he left, Gideon handed him a box. It was all the films they’d watched together, in DVD format so Jack would be able to watch them too. Hotch hadn’t really understood why it was being given to him and not one of the others, but he accepted them with a smile.

They’re proudly displayed on the shelves next to the tv, and whenever Jack wants to watch a film with his dad and aunt Jess, he picks one of those over anything else.

It’s working. Just think of the team and inhale.

That weird space of time, after the team accepted Rossi and he understood that things weren’t the same as they once were, but before Haley sent the divorce papers. There were some good memories then.

Like when some new bar had opened and they were doing a karaoke night and because Garcia knew the people, they’d invited her. And she of course, would not go without her favourite people so she had asked the entire team to come. Hotch had almost started crying when she hesitantly knocked on his office door and asked if he would be able to come. He’d never realised how much they loved him. He had always thought they put up with him because they needed to.

But when Garcia asked if he would sing with her because apparently, he was the only one with the right vocal range to do the duet with her, he realised that they did indeed love him. Even Emily was smiling as he allowed himself to be pulled on stage by a grinning Garcia. His voice was rusty- the last time he’d sung had been to Jack, and the boy had no concept of good singing anyways- but the hug she’d given him after, just for getting involved removed all of that shame.

She spent the night at his apartment because by the end of the night, she’d had too much to drink and he had offered to take her home. Morgan was already keeping an arm wrapped around JJ, and Rossi would have his hands full with Emily. Reid had been a caretaker his entire life, so Hotch dropped him home and said he would be fine.

She taught him how to make really good pancakes the next day. The recipe is still stuck to the fridge. Jack won’t eat any other type of pancakes.

And exhale. There were so many moments flooding to his memory now that they were all starting to merge together.

Morgan turning to him, Henry still in his arms. Things had been rocky since New York. Hotch knew Derek trusted him, and Morgan knew Aaron respected him, but they had both needed time to process what they’d said to each other then. Before they could actually make it up to each other, Hotch was lying about his hearing, Reid and Prentiss were getting trapped and Jordan Todd was struggling.

“Come on man,” he said.

“Everyone else is having their turn,” Hotch replied, not sure he wanted to hold someone so fragile and precious.

“Your part of everyone,” Morgan said.

Hotch had smiled and taken Henry from him. To his surprise, Henry had not started crying. Instead, he had wrapped his entire hand around Aaron’s pinkie.

“It feels like Jack was only just this size,” he said.

“You’re smiling,” Morgan whispered, stroking Henry’s cheek. Hotch looked up at him and saw that the rest of the team were conversing with each other, backs turned to the two of   
them.

“Derek, about New York-”

“I know. You never have to tell me. Now be quiet and let me take a photo of you.”

Hotch had rolled his eyes but allowed Morgan to do it. And if Hotch had asked Garcia to send him the photo of the two of them just smiling at Henry like the horrors they saw each day in that room didn’t exist because he wanted to frame it, well, nobody else was going to know.

Inhale.

After another case went badly- because now Jack was somewhere where Hotch would never see him, his ability to be competent had gone down the drain- Rossi came in, a bottle of alcohol in one hand, shot glasses in the other and Emily trailing behind him, looking uncomfortable as she was still unsure as to whether her presence was even wanted.

Dave left soon after he entered.

The moment Dave turned his back to them, Emily started apologising, saying she knew that was a them thing and she hadn’t wanted to intrude but Rossi had insisted that she go with him. Hotch had silenced her with a look, then proceeded to throw the alcohol away.

“I don’t want to drink,” he said.

She shrugged. “Okay.”

“I don’t want to drink because when Foyet broke into my apartment, the smell of alcohol is the last thing I remember before the gunshot and now every time it’s near me, I want to vomit,” he explained, not really sure what reaction he was looking for.

“I’m taking you home,” she said.

Because she knew he was looking for a fight. He was trying to egg her on, make her say something insulting that he could argue with because he needed to feel something other than pain and helplessness.

She would make him feel something other than that, but it wasn’t going to be anger. She was going to make him feel safe, even if it was only for a night. So instead of taking him back to the apartment- because she refused to call it his home- where Morgan had replaced the bullet and carpet to the best of his ability, but they all knew it was superficial, she took him to her home.

Brushed his hair because she could always tell when he hadn’t done it himself, and she knew he loved the feeling of someone he trusted combing it, so long as they warned him before they went near him.

He fell asleep halfway through, and there were no nightmares.

The blanket she draped over him is at the foot of his bed. It’s the one he wraps around himself when the nightmares stop his eyes from closing. It’s the one Jack wants when he’s feeling sick.

Exhale.

Derek and Spencer came to Jack’s second soccer game. They came to the second because neither Aaron nor Dave wanted to deal with the teasing if Jack’s team did even worse than they had previously done.

When Jack had spotted his two other uncles in the stands, he’d cheered so loudly that the other team had lost the ball and he’d managed to score. 

Derek had cheered loudly, Hotch had breathed a sigh of relief and Spencer had politely clapped, his book tucked under one arm.

During their break, Penelope had turned up, homemade and healthy snacks for all the kids in little brown paper bags ready and waiting for them. Hotch had never seen a group of first graders so excited about eating grapes.

They didn’t need to come. But after everything and everyone that had been taken from them over the course of the year, Hotch understood why they had. They needed something good to serve as a reminder that not everything they did was for nothing. That in the world, there were still good and innocent things.

Every single one of them- Derek, Dave, Penelope and Spencer- had smiled when Jack came over, grinning because his team had won, even though they technically did not keep score in his age group.

The moment is seared in his memory because it was the first smile he’d seen since Emily “died.” And that meant more to him than the bag Penelope had specially prepared for Jack (it had his name on it, and a lot of superhero stickers for decoration) because it proved to him that they would heal and move on.

He’s signed the agreement to go to Afghanistan when he got home. The book Spencer had been reading during the game came with him, and now it sits on the shelf in his home, alongside all the other books that had ever been gifted to him.

He’s almost there. Inhale.

Seeing them, all waiting and cheering- Spencer obnoxiously loudly and the girls less enthusiastically than he’d ever seen them- was what forced him to finish the triathlon as opposed to just giving up.

Then Beth had turned up, and he saw the subtle looks of approval on their faces. It was like a weight had been lifted. He loved Beth, and he knew Jack was going to love her too, but the team were fiercely protective of each other. If they didn’t approve, he wasn’t sure what he would do.

But they did. In fact, it was Penelope that convinced her join them all when they said they were going to go and get something to eat.

They had been all sat at one table, slightly squished, but happily stuffing their faces with fries and milkshakes. Hotch had been mildly horrified that Jack knew exactly what to do when Morgan said earmuffs, but he appreciated the thought.

It was when Beth leant over and said that his family was something most people could only ever dream of that he realised how lucky he was. Because she was right. His family was a complete band of misfits, and they all looked like they were dressed for different things, but they were still his family and he wouldn’t trade him for the world.

The image of Haley had come to his mind then, but to his surprise, it hadn’t hurt, and he realised it was because he was happy. He was home. Maybe he had never really left it and it was just about realising, but whatever it was, his face had split into a wide grin and he’d felt tears forming in his eyes as he thanked them all.

For coming to support him.

For loving him, unconditionally, in spite of all his flaws.

For everything they had done.

For all the things he couldn’t say, but so desperately wanted to tell them.

And because they were his family, they had just known. It was written all over their smiles.

He wasn’t saying their family was perfect. Bad things happened.

Derek had been falsely accused of murder, and then had the past he had never wanted anyone to know about brandished everywhere.

Penelope had been shot outside her home, the one place she had a right to feel safe in.

Spencer had momentarily lost his ability to speak, his ability to do the one thing that made him feel happy.

Dave had solved the case that had been haunting him since he retired, and yet there was no justice or closure in the outcome.

Jennifer had been forced to tell parents that their child wasn’t coming home and had to listen as they hurled insults because it was easy to blame her, the image of her son just a   
thought away.

Emily had been taken from them because the past she had worked so hard to destroy had come back to haunt her, and when she came back, it was to icy glares and distrust.

Yet they’d recovered. 

Derek continued to reclaim his body.

Penelope carried on smiling.

Dave never stopped fighting for justice.

Spencer still rambled on, and so long as they weren’t on a case, the others tried to not cut him off.

Jennifer held victims and slept soundly at night, content that she had done her best, and that was all she could do.

Emily opened up to the team, no longer afraid that her past would drown her because she had people to help her stay afloat.

They had all eventually found each other. They had all eventually come home, no matter how long it took or how long they had to fight for. 

In fact, he’s about to go home too.

He can hear them. They’re all returning. They’re coming to get him. He can relax now. His breathing returns to normal- maybe even a little bit slower than normal. The team, his family, the people he loves more than anything are here. Which means everything is going to be fine. The world will not be so dark. In fact, he can even see a sliver of light.

“I am so sorry,” the doctor said to the family waiting outside for the dark-haired man. He’d been mumbling to himself. Remembering better times. But then his body had just given up on him. Too much had happened to him for him to keep fighting. 

“There was nothing anyone could do. Just know that he wasn’t alone. He was at peace. He was remembering all of you. I promise. There was a smile on his face, the kind we only ever see when somebody thinks of the people they love.”

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr: yourlocalheartbreaker


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